If there was any sensation at all that permeated the cocoon of shock in which we wrapped ourselves it was exhaustion. In some ways it obviously insulated us because we learned later that what we thought was the worst possible pain could from time to time become even more acute as our lives unfolded. Indeed, if we had to pick one word, one emotion that imbued our minds, our thoughts, our very being in that horrible first year, it would be shock. “Whatever we did during that first year was done from behind a veil of shock. Phyllis: “My son and his wife came”īeyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child No matter what is happening, our child is in the room. At times, it even makes us feel a certain comedic awkwardness. We cannot say for certain that they are watching us from heaven, but the thought that they may be doing just that comforts us and encourages us to go on with our lives. We cannot, and will not, ever think of them as no longer existing. Everything else surrounding us can ebb and flow, change and perhaps go, but our dead children are as much a part of us as they were when we carried them through nine months of pregnancy. Our dead children have become omnipresent in our lives.

That closeness, which we probably took for granted when our children were alive, has grown to the point that they are forever with us and within us. But the one relationship that has never faltered has been that which we had and continue to have with our deceased children. The bitterness and the fury will diminish, but they will never completely disappear. The repercussions of our children’s deaths will echo forever in our lives and those of our close family members. We have had to deal with a sibling turning to drugs in hopes of relieving the hurt. We have overcome our own and our spouses’ thoughts of suicide, as well as an actual suicide attempt by one spouse and another by a surviving child.

“We have weathered deep depression, hurtful arguments, separation, estrangement, anger, bewilderment, deep disappointment and suspicion of words and deeds-all in connection with those nearest to us.

Beyond Tears by Ellen Mitchell